Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

ok this is my dumbest yet

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.