Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

Girl, same.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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