Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

?¿

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?