Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]