My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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The only good comments section online is on recipes
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”