Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame