My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
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I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
When can I start eating bats again.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this