Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Me too 😆

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

My what?

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.