My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.