My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
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You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.