My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
😭😭
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.