Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop.

I’m dying louder than usual today.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.