[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Netflix: We have Less
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.