My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I might give this a try 😏
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.