My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you