My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
When you’re here for the treats.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear