My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week