My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.