My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family