My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral