My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Genius.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Writing, She Murdered.
FINE, I WON’T.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
