My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
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the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
