My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
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My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.