My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
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Google Pay be like:
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I am HOWLING at this
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
<- sleeps well with others
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)