Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Happy Thanksgiving

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.