Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

who wants to go expliring

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

me, too, girl. me, too.

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me