Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls