My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
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How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
wtf is a larm clock?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Saturday
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Velcrow
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.