My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
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[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad