My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
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Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.