My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
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I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Woke up against my better judgement again
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Bear knowledge
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe