My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.