My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
584.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.