My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Labreador
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!