Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

you gotta be faster

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

Haha! 😂