My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
do what now??
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral