My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
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Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Bruh
