My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
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When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)