Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re Kinky but poor

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

me: omg goth bath bombs

santa: that’s charcoal

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

can’t bark with your mouth full

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

I have so many questions.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.