Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

applying for a new job

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this