My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
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“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no