My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
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Do not levitate over flowers
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?