My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
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Autocorrect completely socks
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Get in loser we’re going crying
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.