My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
kids play hide and seek like
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse