Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

good morning

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.