My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?