My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
*adds resume embellisher to resume*