My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face