My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020