My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you