Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

A short story about romance.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

🤯🤯🤯

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.