My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
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[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.