Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.