Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

yes, those are my real potatoes.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.