Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

We’ve all been there…

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut