My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
how to have fun when you’re poor
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”