My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Don’t tell me what to do
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps