Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now