My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
You Might Also Like
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Be vigilant
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Yup
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.