Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

Eating for two.

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat