my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
This is a genius move
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
smartest karate player in the world
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot