Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they see me scrollin

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

Make new friends? bro out of what?

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.