My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
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Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
cry laughing at this shit
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
How to find Kentucky on a map
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit