My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?