My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
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ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
