Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.