My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.