My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
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gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-