My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?