My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
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I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
How about daylight saves us for once
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”