My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
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Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Meow
