Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed