Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

weird email i got today

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower