Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

this isn’t threatening at all

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Hey! This isn’t my car!

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

December birthdays be like…

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person